People tend to make up their mind about someone in the very first minutes of a meeting, before a single word is spoken. And once that impression is made, it is almost impossible to change. A huge component of this is body language – a person’s posture and gestures. So when you meet someone for the first time, particularly someone whose good opinion is important for your career, it is vital you understand what your body language says about you.

There is nothing more expressive than the human form, not just the face, but also the arms, legs, spine: the entire visual package. Whether you like it or not, your body language – how you hold and move your body – is constantly communicating facts about you with others.

Of course, your clothing, grooming, way of speaking, and even your cologne contribute to the first impression you give; if you are well-groomed and well-dressed, you have a better chance of being taken seriously. But even the most beautiful suit and haircut in the world cannot hide bad body language.

Body language is critical not only in first meetings and interviews, but in every professional encounter you have. So you must be conscious and take control of your body language at all times. Knowing what hits home and what fails with your audience will take you far down the road to success.

Body language and social hierarchy – gestures speak louder than words
The fact we make up our minds so quickly about others, and communicate so much without speaking, has a lot to do with our primate history: our primitive ancestors spoke without words. We continue to speak without words to this day; our body sends messages that bypass the rational minds of those with whom we meet, speaking directly to their primal inner selves.

Because of our natures every encounter is a kind of competition. To survive and thrive in the modern world we must understand social hierarchy and respect it through our body language. As you meet with others, respect the animal within them – it judges quickly and irrevocably on non-verbal cues, making up its mind in a flash.

Some big body language no-nos

The floppy, sloppy spine: control the slouching
Having poor posture, conveys an immediate bad message to others. Poor posture, and its accompanying floppy body language, tells others that you are slovenly, lazy, uninterested, out of control, and devoid of class and culture.

Good posture – a strong, straight spine and head held erect – tells others that you are attentive and well bred, eager to listen and be heard, and ready to participate wholeheartedly. An active spine is energetic and alive; it communicates infectious energy to the person with whom you are meeting.

The problem with trying to stand and sit straight is that, to most of us, it feels weird; we are rarely called upon to do it. In this world of casual clothing and informality there is simply not much demand for holding your spine straight. So when we try to sit up straight in an interview we become nervous and uncomfortable, fidgeting and squirming to shed the anxiety, or sitting rigidly like a robot.

You must teach your body to be comfortable sitting and standing with correct posture. The only way to do this is by practicing, preferably in front of a mirror. Long before your meeting or interview, force yourself to practice good posture.

Periodically stand and sit straight in front of a mirror, not just once or twice, but again and again over a period of days and weeks. Your body has its own intelligence and can only learn by doing. You must allow your body to become accustomed to how sitting and standing properly feels.

But beware, having good posture does not mean sitting ramrod straight in a chair and locking your neck and limbs in place; only cyborgs sit this way. The point to practicing good posture is to become comfortable holding yourself correctly. So straighten up and then learn to relax while doing it, even though it might seem like a contradiction. But don’t worry; it really is possible.

Nervous limbs
Just as you must control your spine, you must control the limbs that come off of it. Huge interviewing no-nos are toe-tapping, wiggling, vibrating, fidgeting, humming, flapping, itching, turning your feet under or over, inverting your elbows – you get the picture. Before you begin the interview or meeting, even if you are already in the room with your interviewer, take the time to breathe calmly and get yourself under control. Within reason, it is acceptable to show the interviewer you are nervous; it makes you human. Just get it under control and move forward.

Dancing Hands
Hands are very expressive; actors on stage are always aware of where their hands are at all times, how their hands appear, because they understand how powerful hand gestures are. You must be aware as well.

In advance of your meeting choose ways to rest your hands by looking in the mirror and seeing what looks best: choose something poised yet relaxed. Practice the hand positions until they are automatic.

When standing, let your arms and hands hang relaxed but actively at your sides, not limp like noodles. You really don’t have to put your hands anywhere if you don’t want to. Avoid jamming hands in your pockets or propping them up on your hips. Pockets can look sloppy if you’re not careful, while both hands on hips can look too aggressive. Sometimes an asymmetrical look works well, one hand on the hip and the other hanging relaxed. It can help to have something in your hands to begin with, perhaps a portfolio with your documents inside. But remember, once you sit down, you must not fidget with what you brought.

When sitting, learn to rest your hands gently on the table, perhaps with fingers intertwined, or rest one in your lap and the other on the table. Practice what looks right until it feels correct. It’s fine to have relaxed hands. It is also fine to show energy through your hands - gesturing, clasping, pointing, describing shapes - if your gestures relate directly to your words and are kept under control.

Fiddling with your hands: biting your nails, drumming, thrumming, tapping, watch-checking, twisting your fingers together, and general nervous behaviors are all interviewing no-nos. If you look like a jumping jack at the interview table, a fidgety bag of bones, your interviewer will think you have better things to do and will not invite you back.

How to sit
Avoid overly aggressive postures that take up a lot of space. Although you may be comfortable sitting with widely crossed legs and hands behind your neck with elbows sticking out, this is actually a very aggressive posture that takes control of the interviewer’s space. Remember the hierarchy of the interview; you need to immediately understand who is the boss and show respect for that person through your body language.

A moderately crossed leg is fine, for men and women, but men should avoid the wide crossed leg with the ankle on the knee. It’s just too familiar and open.

Of course, you also don’t want to appear too meek: hanging your head, slumped shoulders, general pitiful behavior, or speaking too quietly.

Just as sitting gestures can be too open, they can also be too closed. Avoid crossing your arms over your chest because it creates an emotional wall, a barrier between you and the other person. The worst closed posture of all is arms over the chest and legs in a tight double-cross with the toe hooked under the other leg. Avoid this posture at all times; it tells others you are not interested and closed off.

Eye contact
Skillful eye contact is critical to interviewing success. As in all things, it is a delicate balancing act. When you are the listener, you should give more sustained eye contact than when you are the speaker. It is good to look directly into the speaker’s eyes to show you are attentive and following the conversation. But don’t be too aggressive and stare him or her down. Show through your face and voice you are tracking the conversation and engaged. Really listen and resist letting your mind wander.

When speaking, you should not stare directly at the interviewer all the time; this is too aggressive. It’s fine to look away once in a while as you follow the train of your thoughts. Just check in with your listener every several seconds to make sure he or she feels included in your stream of conversation.

The old eye contact trick of looking at a spot between the person’s eyes while talking and listening doesn’t really work; people can tell you aren’t really looking at them. People won’t bite if you just look them in the eye; try it.

Hand shakes - the bone crusher verses the wet fish
A good handshake is important to an interview. We have all shaken hands with someone who tries to break our bones or drapes a limp hand into ours like a wet fish. Both are distasteful. The correct handshake is a good solid contact, web of the thumbs together, and then released. Take a good look in the person’s eyes as you are doing this: one deep look.

A tricky moment is when you try to keep eye contact while shaking hands; often two people miss each other’s hands and have to come back for another try. Humor is important in successful encounters, so if this happens to you, laugh it off and give a great handshake the second time around.

As for the perennially sweaty, cold, or wet-palmed person, try running your hands under cool water, washing them with soap, and then drying them right before your meeting to keep the sweaty palms under control. Shaking hands at the end of the meeting is a problem because wiping your hands off on the side of your jacket or pant leg right before you shake someone’s hand is a no-no. If others see you do this, they will anticipate an unpleasant handshake, and that’s not good.

So the only hope is to rest your hands on your knees through the interview to keep them dry. Try to think calm thoughts and shake hands with confidence, even if you fear they are damp.

Eating and drinking
You may have read about it: bosses or interviewers who eat or drink with potential employees or subordinates to judge them on how they behave. The guy who didn’t get the job because he salted all his food without tasting it, the boss judging him for not trying the food first, or the man who licked his butter knife or forgot to put a napkin on his lap, making the boss think he was an uncultured clod.

There is some truth in these stories. If you are offered water or coffee, feel free to take it, but you will be judged on how you behave with it, whether the interviewer means to or not. Don’t fiddle with the cup, slurp the coffee, put in seven sugar cubes, ask for more unless you really need it, lick the edge of the cup, or stir loudly; you get the idea. If alcohol is offered, decline it if you can, or, if the interviewer is drinking and seems to expect you to, take only one and no more.

Eating is a social encounter; you must be on your best behavior. If you are starving, don’t plan to go to the meal to fill up. Instead, eat something before the meeting so you won’t eat like a wild animal when you get there. Then you can concentrate on making a good impression.

Men and women
Whether you are male or female is of little importance in the professional world; what matters are your accomplishments and skills. Men and women need to be careful not to send the wrong body language messages when they are meeting with their superiors, in order to keep job expectations clear and show professional respect at all times.

If you are a man interviewed by a woman, you need to be very careful to be polite and respectful at all times. Never look directly or appraisingly at the woman’s legs or breasts. Women can tell when your eyes are moving away from their faces to other areas and it makes them angry. Avoid, at all costs, the appraising head-to-toe stare. Never comment on a woman’s looks or dress, or ask her personal questions. Do not be flirtatious. Meetings are businesslike occasions and you must conduct yourself accordingly.

Also never let your own body language relax too much – wide leg crossing or hands behind the head. It communicates that you feel the woman is not a threat in any way, takes away her personal space, and gives an impression of aggressiveness and lack of respect.

If you are a woman interviewed by a man, it is very important that you keep your body language neutral and your dress conservative at all times. You want to get hired or promoted on your professional attributes alone; make sure this is all you are putting on the table. Keep your verbal and non-verbal cues clear of sexual signals. Do not be flirtatious in any way, and make sure your body language says the same.

Resorting to little girl behavior to get your way is a cheap tactic and you should avoid it at all costs. Don’t try to loosen the guy up by acting cute: kicking off your shoes, putting your feet up on the chair, twirling your hair in your fingers, biting your lips, loosening your clothing, giggling, or doing anything that looks remotely little-girlish. Have respect for yourself and give the man the benefit of the doubt. If you have true skills and experience, you will be hired or promoted as your talents deserve. Don’t stoop to cheap behavior or you may get a rude surprise about what you have unknowingly offered as part of your employment contract.

Humanity and humor
In the end, a great meeting or interview comes about when two people connect with one another. So don’t be afraid to be funny or express nervousness, within reason. Find a way to connect with others, to find safe, common ground. When people feel they have communicated well, everyone walks away happy. That is the feeling you are searching for when you meet with another person.

(Originally published: The Well. Issue 7. November 2004)

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